Volume 1 of this series was published way back in November of 2012 and it's astonishing that an additional five or six volumes haven't already been published. There are so many bad songs on the radio! Somehow, though, no song ever seemed to sink quite as low as Die Young by Ke$ha, so I held back. That was a mistake. Not every bad song needs to be the "LeBron James" of bad songs in order to be honored. Here are a couple of songs in the "Carmelo Anthony" class.
Volume 2: Honey I'm Good
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| Andy Grammar |
It usually takes a few listenings before a song starts to bug me, but this one did it on the first try. Maybe it's because it reminds me of these two all-time horrible songs:
Thank God I'm a Country Boy by John DenverCotton-Eye Joe by Rednex
And then there's the lyrics. At first, I thought, OK, not so bad. It's a song about a guy staying true to his "baby at home" despite being tempted by the women at the bar. I still disliked it, but it was palatable fluff. The third or fourth time I heard it though, the lyrics started sounding darker and creepier:
"I could have another but I probably should not."
The guy doesn't say he won't have another; he says "I probably should not" which means (as anyone who's ever had a few beers knows) that he will have another! While it's not clear how many drinks this guy has had already, it must have been quite a few:
"It’s been a long night here, and a long night there."
What is clear, though, is that he hasn't been thinking platonic thoughts ...
"And these long, long legs are damn near everywhere!"
... and his thoughts appear to be getting worse:
"And you’ve got that ass, but..."
It's at this point that he straightens up and tells the woman, "You've got me all wrong, baby". Somehow, though, I doubt very strongly that she has him all wrong. He's already started to rationalize his position:
"Better men than me have failed, drinking from that unholy grail."
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| How it eventually will end |
Somebody better have a long talk with his baby at home. Despite the bouncy music and cutesy refrain, this song is talking about a relationship that is one jack and coke away from disintegration.
Volume 3: Go Big Or Go Home
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| American Authors |
If you haven't heard this song yet, don't worry. You will. It was only released a couple of months ago and hasn't made it into the Billboard Hot 100 yet, but trust me, it'll be there before the month is out. This band is a case study on how to make it big in the music world today.
They originally formed in 2006 under the name "Blue Pages" and labored in relative obscurity for 5 years, putting out mediocre pop songs such as Run Back Home. In 2012, though, they went through a complete overhaul, emerging with a new patriotic name, a new market-focus sound (see the "Teen Girl Pop" formula described in Volume 1 of this series) and a smash hit called Best Day of My Life. It opens with a rudimentary banjo riff (an attempt to attract the Mumford & Sons crowd?) and is simply loaded with repeated syllable hooks to the point of being laughable:
"Oo-oo-oo"This song is bad, but it isn't quite worthy of the coveted Worst Song on Radio Now award. Go Big Or Go Home, though, is a tour de force of horribleness.
"Wo-o-o-o-o-oh" [x2]
"My li-i-i-ife"
It begins with the title. The phrase "go big or go home" is a marketing slogan from the 1990's that turned into a hackneyed sports cliche years ago. The fact that American Authors are latching onto it now tells you all you need to know about this band.
Next, as dictated by the "Teen Girl Pop" formula, the song contains a mandatory repeated syllable hook, in this case, "Go big or go ho-o-o-o-o-me". It's annoying, to be sure, but it's not enough. What vaults this song into Worst status is the continuous stream of party-all-night-binge-drinking-live-for-the-moment lyrics that Ke$ha would be proud of. For starters, there's this:
And then there's this:Giving my body all the things I need
Rescue me with a little whiskey
Staying out, don't need no sleep
I'll sleep when I'm dead; you can bury me
I guess I'm going homeAnd finally, this:
Cause all my cash is gone
I spent it all trying to feel alive
Yeah, I got nothing to do tonight
I'm passed out on the floor
Up in the hotel bar
But it don't matter, cause I'm feeling fine
I'm thinking life's too short; it's passing by
So if I'm gonna go at all
Go big or go home
The message of this song is clear: Life is too short. You can't let it pass you by. You need to "go big", and the best way to "go big" is to stay out all night, spend all of your money drinking whiskey until you pass out, and then get up and do it again and again. And you can do this because you "don't need no sleep" which, as a double negative, is the only helpful (albeit unintentional) advice in the entire song.
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| Thanks, John... |
Pretty crappy song, right? Who in their right mind would want this to be their theme song? The National Basketball Association, that's who!! For the last few months it has been featured in their NBA Playoff Promotions videos. I wonder if John Abbamondi, Senior Vice President of Marketing for the NBA, listened to the lyrics of this song even once?
